snacky in my stummy.

Ceremony - Curtis Ian and the Joy Division

It's been a pretty hectic and busy week. A bit overwhelming, to be honest. So many important decisions to make, with so little time to make them. I was really hoping to get just one week of rest and to get my shit together before the jobhunt began, but I feel like I've been running really low on sleep, and less energy to do what I want to do: finish my portfolio. I guess it's a good thing.

I've been working from home lately, and sometimes I find it hard to focus until after dinner. Another weird thing... I've never known myself to be a snacky person. I'm a meal person. I eat big meals, and that's it. I may have one or two glasses of water or a drink between meals, but no granola bars, no chocolate bars, no crackers, nothing. But for some reason, working from home is starting to change that... I constantly feel like I need something in my mouth.. (no, you dirty bastards. no.) And because I've never had a history of snacking, I have nothing in the apartment to feed that craving.

So, I've been making mini-meals. Like instant noodles or eating leftovers. I'm thinking a part of it might be procrastination at work; eating just so I'm doing anything but the work I'm supposed to. Maybe I should start doing my work at Second Cup or Williams so I'm out of the apartment...

Joy Division's Ceremony has been in my head all day. Great song. Oh and thanks for the bike ride Kyra. Gotta explore the other parts of High Park when it's not so muddy and cold. It's awesome to finally have a biking buddy.

moving along.

My glove...


Hand damage.


My left hip and my right knee. I found the knee bruise one this morning...


This morning after some healing. For some reason it looks worse than yesterday...


Had my first bike wipe-out yesterday. There was minor damage.

It was a looong Friday the 13th. With only 4 hours of sleep the night before, I had to be up for a dentist appointment. It was somewhat painful yet relaxing. I actually quite enjoy going to the dentist's for cleaning. Met up with friends for lunch, and a lot more people than I expected came out to see me. Got my stuff from my desk thanks to Jakob. Said some goodbyes, though I'm sure it won't be the last time I see any of them.

On my way home, I was biking pretty fast down Richmond, and tried to hang a right on Augusta. Because of my speed, I slowed down and took a wide right. A car was coming down the side street, also making a wide turn, so he was pretty much driving in the middle of the street. I panicked and clenched the brakes a bit too hard. My left hand beat my right hand to a full squeeze, so my front brakes locked up before my rear did, causing me to fly over my bike... That's the last thing I remember, since everything happened so fast. Next thing I knew, I was on my side, picking myself up off the pavement...

It was embarassing more than anything. Minor damage to myself, nothing too bad on the bike, and no damage to my clothes, which is really good... Though my pants looked all torn to begin with, haha. My right glove was torn.

Anyway, I went home to nurse my wounds and screamed like a girl when I put peroxide to disinfect. Took a video, but I probably won't post it. At least not right now. The night ended with video games at Rich and Jenna's til 1:30AM, then walked home.

Anyway, it's a nice day out. Gonna go for a bike ride... :D

love for work, work for love.

Getting laid off feels a lot like a break up. It doesn't matter whether you see it coming or not. The confusion in your mind keeps jumping from hate to love and love to hate. A part of you wants to just forgive and forget, move on, and be happy. To just live your life. And then suddenly, it hits you. The fact that you've put in so much effort, so much of your blood, sweat, and tears, invested so much for something that you cared for, for the sake of love for design/design for love. All that to get you where you're at now. Unemployed/broken-hearted. Relationship or job, it's the same feeling, really.

You go through certain phases. At first, you're shaken, shocked. You hate them for what happened. For doing what had to be done. For not having things done on your terms. Then you come to acceptance, to understanding, to seeing why it happened. You get the support you need. You feel better. Happiness comes back, you have fun, and you see that it's no big deal. Life goes on. But then after the support team leaves you, at the end of the night when you're in bed and with nothing else in your mind but what happened that day, you can't help but reflect upon it. And denial and disbelief come back. And it becomes a cycle of mood swings over and again until time allows you to forgive and forget.

Well, at least no bridges burned. But the thoughts in my head are still flying at light speed and hurting my head a little. It's weird to get to know a place or person so well for so long, every day and then suddenly, nothing. With that said, it's comforting to at least know that this is only something I'm going through and that I'll get through this in time. And also that I'm not the only one in this boat. LOL

keep your eyes on the prize of life.

Wow. This economy mass lay-off is for real... I and a few others are now newly unemployed. That kind messes my plans up for Asia in May... Thanks for the work experience, I guess... I was the second longest employee at the place. I guess at times like these loyalty doesn't count for much.

Well, it's not the end of the world. Money isn't everything. I want to live a meaningful life, and if that's what it takes to get there, so be it. I've met some great friends and learned a lot, so nothing was wasted. It was great working with you guys! With the industry being so small, I'm sure I'll run into you at some point, if I don't grab a beer with you first.

Thanks guys, for all your support. I love you all. I guess 2009 is the reset button for me. Fresh starts. Here's a lay-off tracker. Keep yourself in the know. Kick it up a few notches, and best of luck to you all!

the road ahead.

Shadows In Silence - Enigma

This daylight savings time change has messed up my morning routine. But hey, I don't get off work to complete darkness anymore. Only to gloomy rainy weather instead... Rode my bike for the first time last Thursday since last summer. You know, you don't realize how badly out of shape you are til you get on a bicycle.

I know to some people it may seem like a small feat, but last summer I conquered Toronto by biking up to Markham. It took me all summer to work up enough stamina and strength to do it. Now, I can barely reach my work, an 8 minute bike ride away, without feeling out of breath and having jelly legs afterwards. It's a little discouraging to think that the biking last summer was all for naught, and that I have to start from square one again. That's what I hate about seasons... But then again, I could just get on a treadmill or gymcycle during the winter months... 9_9

Below, I've posted a drivelapse that I shot during the Family Day long weekend. Aside from chatting, I had nothing better to do in the car while my uncle drove, so every thirty seconds to a minute, I would take a picture of the road ahead. I calculated it so that it would last longer than my last timelapse (3 seconds long). My arms were dead at the end of the 5.5 hour drive. I put it together tonight. It's still pretty short, but it was a nice experiment. I really need to do timelapses in shorter time intervals... sigh.



I also wanted to share this drivelapse that was done for Honda Japan's Internavi Realization. I found it via FWA. As you will see, it's pretty amateur compared to my drivelapse, hahaha... joking. This was really well done, I thought. I'm loving the music; especially Yusuke Oya's Bridge On the Planet. I can't find much of anything on Yusuke Oya though. I want that song.

new beginnings.

And so finally ends the chapter that seemed never-ending. I feel fucking fantastic. World, here I come! Life's just getting started.

do you mind.

Hey Jude - Wayne Gratz

Happy daylight savings!

I finally put in the next movie off the list. Waking Life. The movie brought me back to Professor Anthony Falikowski's philosophy class at Sheridan. I really love hearing the different concepts and perspectives of life. The movie made me reflect quite a bit afterwards.

The views and theories from some of the discussions in the movie for the most part, aren't new to me. I've read about them and learnt them in class, and different books. And I think that's why lately, I've been so self-aware, when I'm not caught up in the moment, caught up with emotions. But it's nice to get a reminder to keep my mind open to these things instead of living unconciously through life, going from one trend to another, one fad to the next.

As I was reflecting on the movie afterwards, something else came to my mind. Nothing that relevant to the movie, really. This holds true for me, but I don't know about you: Isn't it strange how much we look at ourselves in the mirror every day from our childhood until now, and yet, if we try to remember a moment when we looked at ourselves in the mirror when we were young, we really can't see that childhood face, what it looked like outside from what we've seen in photos?


Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
— Albert Einstein

dreaming of exes and pho's.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Theme - Jon Brion

Had pho today. So good. Couldn't handle a large though. Had to settle for a medium. It's really too bad the prices went up at Pho Pasteur. I'd go more often if they didn't jack up the prices. I don't know where, I don't know when, but one day, I'll find a place that serves a large bowl of pho with the works for the price of a small. I'd go there every day if there was such a place. Maybe I should just move to Vietnam...

I have no idea why in the last couple of weeks I've been having so many dreams involving my past relationships. Well... maybe I do. Probably because of How I Met Your Mother. Gee eff number two has made quite a few appearances, but gee eff number three appeared this morning for the first time in a long time. So weird. Nothing really changes from dream to dream. Pretty much reflects what I hope for in life. Some mornings are a bit more disappointing than others, but hey, what's success without disappointment, right?

A fresh start is in order. Come May, the first steps to major changes in my life will take place. It's time to open my eyes and broaden my perspective on life. I'm going to do all the looking back I can now, but as soon as spring comes, I stay focused on me. I think my new motto will be Take care of your life and life will take care of you. Leap of faith, baby. Leap of faith.

sunshine.

I remember last year around this time, Huffster and I would look at the time as we got off work each day and try and see the progress of sunlight coming out earlier and earlier. Then daylight savings came and saved the day.

This year, the transition was a lot more drastic. In the past couple of weeks, I've been getting off work in darkness every day. But then out of no where today, I noticed that there was still light out. The light must've snuck up on me in the past couple of weeks since I've been working later than usual. This only means one thing. Spring and sunshine is coming!

i believe in _ _ _ _.

Je t'attends; c'est ton choix.

I swear it's going to be the last How I Met Your Mother post. It's too funny... I'd be selfish not to post this one. Neil Patrick Harris is too good...

each day gets better.

I just finished all the episodes I had on my computer of How I Met Your Mother. I now need Season 4, Episode 14... Having watched so many episodes in such a short period of time, it started to get into my head. And much like anything I do too much of, I start dreaming about it in my sleep.

This show had much to do with friends, dating, relationships, and love. As such, it brought certain people back into my life in the middle of the night. People I care for but don't get to talk to anymore, would visit me. And much like the show, we would see through past conflicts and interact with the best of each other. I would see that person as I remembered her.

But as the sun rolls out, the fog fades. And with the blink of an eye, that world, that life that felt so real, collapses. As this reality vanishes within seconds, the emotional residue would linger on for days to come.

But time will heal if we let it. After all, each day gets better.

...
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not. Cause she's gone..

on a scale of one to ten.

Cannonball - Damien Rice

How much does he wish it true...

Am I reading into things too much, seeing what I want to see? Or are the swirling thoughts in my head actually becoming the truth...?

I've been dreaming like I'm supposed to be.
I've been staring at the sun knowing I'm lucky.

Eleven.