snacky in my stummy.

Ceremony - Curtis Ian and the Joy Division

It's been a pretty hectic and busy week. A bit overwhelming, to be honest. So many important decisions to make, with so little time to make them. I was really hoping to get just one week of rest and to get my shit together before the jobhunt began, but I feel like I've been running really low on sleep, and less energy to do what I want to do: finish my portfolio. I guess it's a good thing.

I've been working from home lately, and sometimes I find it hard to focus until after dinner. Another weird thing... I've never known myself to be a snacky person. I'm a meal person. I eat big meals, and that's it. I may have one or two glasses of water or a drink between meals, but no granola bars, no chocolate bars, no crackers, nothing. But for some reason, working from home is starting to change that... I constantly feel like I need something in my mouth.. (no, you dirty bastards. no.) And because I've never had a history of snacking, I have nothing in the apartment to feed that craving.

So, I've been making mini-meals. Like instant noodles or eating leftovers. I'm thinking a part of it might be procrastination at work; eating just so I'm doing anything but the work I'm supposed to. Maybe I should start doing my work at Second Cup or Williams so I'm out of the apartment...

Joy Division's Ceremony has been in my head all day. Great song. Oh and thanks for the bike ride Kyra. Gotta explore the other parts of High Park when it's not so muddy and cold. It's awesome to finally have a biking buddy.

love for work, work for love.

Getting laid off feels a lot like a break up. It doesn't matter whether you see it coming or not. The confusion in your mind keeps jumping from hate to love and love to hate. A part of you wants to just forgive and forget, move on, and be happy. To just live your life. And then suddenly, it hits you. The fact that you've put in so much effort, so much of your blood, sweat, and tears, invested so much for something that you cared for, for the sake of love for design/design for love. All that to get you where you're at now. Unemployed/broken-hearted. Relationship or job, it's the same feeling, really.

You go through certain phases. At first, you're shaken, shocked. You hate them for what happened. For doing what had to be done. For not having things done on your terms. Then you come to acceptance, to understanding, to seeing why it happened. You get the support you need. You feel better. Happiness comes back, you have fun, and you see that it's no big deal. Life goes on. But then after the support team leaves you, at the end of the night when you're in bed and with nothing else in your mind but what happened that day, you can't help but reflect upon it. And denial and disbelief come back. And it becomes a cycle of mood swings over and again until time allows you to forgive and forget.

Well, at least no bridges burned. But the thoughts in my head are still flying at light speed and hurting my head a little. It's weird to get to know a place or person so well for so long, every day and then suddenly, nothing. With that said, it's comforting to at least know that this is only something I'm going through and that I'll get through this in time. And also that I'm not the only one in this boat. LOL

keep your eyes on the prize of life.

Wow. This economy mass lay-off is for real... I and a few others are now newly unemployed. That kind messes my plans up for Asia in May... Thanks for the work experience, I guess... I was the second longest employee at the place. I guess at times like these loyalty doesn't count for much.

Well, it's not the end of the world. Money isn't everything. I want to live a meaningful life, and if that's what it takes to get there, so be it. I've met some great friends and learned a lot, so nothing was wasted. It was great working with you guys! With the industry being so small, I'm sure I'll run into you at some point, if I don't grab a beer with you first.

Thanks guys, for all your support. I love you all. I guess 2009 is the reset button for me. Fresh starts. Here's a lay-off tracker. Keep yourself in the know. Kick it up a few notches, and best of luck to you all!

the road ahead.

Shadows In Silence - Enigma

This daylight savings time change has messed up my morning routine. But hey, I don't get off work to complete darkness anymore. Only to gloomy rainy weather instead... Rode my bike for the first time last Thursday since last summer. You know, you don't realize how badly out of shape you are til you get on a bicycle.

I know to some people it may seem like a small feat, but last summer I conquered Toronto by biking up to Markham. It took me all summer to work up enough stamina and strength to do it. Now, I can barely reach my work, an 8 minute bike ride away, without feeling out of breath and having jelly legs afterwards. It's a little discouraging to think that the biking last summer was all for naught, and that I have to start from square one again. That's what I hate about seasons... But then again, I could just get on a treadmill or gymcycle during the winter months... 9_9

Below, I've posted a drivelapse that I shot during the Family Day long weekend. Aside from chatting, I had nothing better to do in the car while my uncle drove, so every thirty seconds to a minute, I would take a picture of the road ahead. I calculated it so that it would last longer than my last timelapse (3 seconds long). My arms were dead at the end of the 5.5 hour drive. I put it together tonight. It's still pretty short, but it was a nice experiment. I really need to do timelapses in shorter time intervals... sigh.



I also wanted to share this drivelapse that was done for Honda Japan's Internavi Realization. I found it via FWA. As you will see, it's pretty amateur compared to my drivelapse, hahaha... joking. This was really well done, I thought. I'm loving the music; especially Yusuke Oya's Bridge On the Planet. I can't find much of anything on Yusuke Oya though. I want that song.

do you mind.

Hey Jude - Wayne Gratz

Happy daylight savings!

I finally put in the next movie off the list. Waking Life. The movie brought me back to Professor Anthony Falikowski's philosophy class at Sheridan. I really love hearing the different concepts and perspectives of life. The movie made me reflect quite a bit afterwards.

The views and theories from some of the discussions in the movie for the most part, aren't new to me. I've read about them and learnt them in class, and different books. And I think that's why lately, I've been so self-aware, when I'm not caught up in the moment, caught up with emotions. But it's nice to get a reminder to keep my mind open to these things instead of living unconciously through life, going from one trend to another, one fad to the next.

As I was reflecting on the movie afterwards, something else came to my mind. Nothing that relevant to the movie, really. This holds true for me, but I don't know about you: Isn't it strange how much we look at ourselves in the mirror every day from our childhood until now, and yet, if we try to remember a moment when we looked at ourselves in the mirror when we were young, we really can't see that childhood face, what it looked like outside from what we've seen in photos?


Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
— Albert Einstein

lost and not found.

Underground - Moist

My life lately feels a lot quieter... It's not that I'm complaining, because it's a good thing, really; it's more me time. But I am complaining. I'm complaining because I have all this time to myself and I've been feeling really motivated to be productive, yet I don't have the means to work on my stuff. I'm waiting on my new laptop, which comes in Wednesday. According to the tracker, it is currently in Alaska...

To pass time, I started playing Fable II to give it a try. I haven't really played an RPG since Neverwinter Nights, about five years ago. Why's that? Because when I get into these games, they can really consume me. As much as I've always wanted to try World of Warcraft, I never played it for the said reason. But with Fable, I thought meh... I'll have self-control.

No. I stayed up until 3:30am two nights in a row playing this game so I could buy a house for my character. It hurts me to see myself on that couch for 5 hours straight on that game. Especially when I work the next morning. I've lost my mind...

I went to Mississauga to chill with my good friends from Kingston today. Good times. We went to Playdium and DDR'ed it up and played some sick racing games with full steering wheel feedback and bucket seats rocking. Jolly good times, I say. We saw some serious kids on this DDR machine though. These kids meant business. They brought towels, change of shirts and shoes, and even a bottle of Windex (why?)... They set the game on uber hard and just stepped up a storm! Those arrows were traveling at least 50km/hr. No wonder kids these days have short attention spans. I took a video of them. I caught them at a less intense part though.

I've become quite absent-minded this week. I keep misplacing and losing things. I lost my January TTC Metropass, I misplaced my penicillin Thursday and was 30 minutes late for work, and then I lost the whole bottle today. Probably at Playdium. And of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

thanks for all that you do, part deux.

Green Eyes - Coldplay

Another year over,
And we're one year older,
But forever young we shall remain
So long as youthful hearts we retain.

So let us grow old together
And keep this friendship forever.
Thanks for all that you do,
You'll be in my heart forever true.

Some of you may have received part of the above I wrote for the Christmas card I sent out. If you haven't, well here it is, with a bit of mods. I want to thank those of you who came out tonight and gave me so much. Not only the gifts and drinks, but your love and friendship. I had a great time tonight and it wouldn't have been the same if you weren't there. Thanks John, Zack, Jenna and Richard for the hot t-shirt, game, and card. And thanks Aditi for the sweet card and drawing!! Sorry there was no cake!

I'm still drunk... Bed time.

sickness in stillness.

Got sick over the weekend somehow. Eyes are teary, nose is runny, head is hurty, and I'm having a hard time sleepy even though I feel so fatigué. Days like these, I wish I still lived at home; to be taken care of, just like the good ol' days as a kid.

Instead, I had to haul my own ass out of bed, make myself some instant noodles (cause I have nothing else in the apartment), clean myself, and scrounge for whatever medication I have in the medicine cabinet. Man, being a grown-up sucks when you're sick.

Hopefully, it's back to work in the morning. I don't know if I can handle another day of stillness while feeling miserable.


Song of the day: Life is a Song by Patrick Park

standing for change.

Ben E. King's Stand by Me is one of my favourite songs. Back in the day when I used to go karaoke every month or so, I loved singing that song. My voice can't handle those high notes, but it's such a good karaoke song. Well... Such a good song, period.

The reason I bring this song up is because over the weekend, I came across this video on YouTube of Stand by Me, but this version was simply amazing and moving. It's for a documentary to be released on DVD and music CD Spring 2009. It's called Playing for Change: Peace Through Music. The people who sing and play the instruments in the song are all street musicians from around the world. Each are recorded separately, and are then mixed together. My favourite is Grandpa Elliott. He has so much character...

It must be so exciting for the people who work for the Playing for Change Foundation; meeting the musicians, hearing their stories and recording their music and traveling all over the world... I'd like to work for them one day, but I wouldn't know what to offer, since I'm no musician...

Seeing this makes me want to travel so much more. With the routine life that I have, time seems to pass by so much quicker, and there's so much in this world for me to see, to experience, to be part of. One of these days...

I'm posting both Ben E. King's version and the Playing for Change Foundation's version of Stand by Me.


Ben E. King - Stand by Me


Playing for Change Foundation - Stand by Me

long john silver.

Long johns. I don't like them cause they're so tight and they make me sweaty and itchy when I'm indoors. But as soon as I step outside, I forget about all the cons and look up into the sky and thank God for long johns.

I remember as a kid, I hated them. But when my dad had to drive my brothers and I to school in the morning, he would pinch our thighs. If he couldn't feel a second layer of material under our pants, he'd send us back inside to get those long johns on. Oh kids...

Been spending a lot of time working on my own things lately and I've been walking out with a smile every time. I've made some sacrifices in order to get myself together, and as bad as I feel about those sacrifices, I feel great about myself. I gotta be selfish from time to time in order to get what I want, ya know? And what do I want? Peace of mind. And how else could you get peace of mind in this nasty freezing weather were it not for long johns?

Thank God for long johns.

spread the love.

I feel a little spoiled today... I had good food, listened to some good music, hung out with some great friends, had some great drinks, and overall, if you don't mind me saying, it felt fucking GREAT!

I had pho for lunch, listened to some Coldplay all day, hung out with friends who have such a great sense of humour, and hung out at a place we haven't been to in a while... Great morale booster.

One thing that really surprised me was the walk home. I was listening to Death Cab for Cutie, and thinking about the fun I had tonight; it put a smile on my face. I felt so much positive energy. All of a sudden I look up and this lady was walking by and saw me, and smiled back, but not really looking at my. She looked like she was genuinely happy.

Maybe I misread her face, but I can't help but think that I somehow exuded some positive energy and made her feel better somehow. Either that or she was laughing at me cause I was funny looking... But if it really were the former, it really amazed me how people can pick up on these vibes... It made me think about how much I don't need anything else right now. Just myself, my family, and my friends. Nize.




Death Cab for Cutie - Your New Twin Sized Bed >

super nintendo sega genesis, when i was deadbroke i couldn't picture this.

I took a walk around town after work for about 1.5 hours to see Christmas lights in the heart of the city. Nice to see all the decorations up. All that's missing now is freshly laid snow. Soon enough. Soon enough...

Been playing some Xbox here and there lately. The new dashboard on the Xbox got a lot of hype, but I'm pretty disappointed with it. Not so much with the interface, cause the interface is cool. But more about the fact that Microsoft completely ripped off the Wii's Mii's. Microsoft called it Avatars, which is fine, but the sounds, the face selections and features are all so Wii-like it digusts me. It's very cutesy and cartoony but the Xbox's player demographic is hardcore gamers... I would've expected something like a Grand Theft Auto character style instead. Le sigh...

Eshwin came over last night with Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe. My new roommate Jon, Eshwin and I just played two player for a while, and the graphics are cool and nice, but at the same time, it lacked fluidity. The moves felt really limited, compared to Soul Calibur 4, but once you find out how to do them, it's actually not too bad. It wasn't until we tried the Story Mode that I realized how well thought out this game was for a fighting game. We haven't beat the game yet, but so far, the plot beats the story modes of many fighting games I've played. I'm happy with it, overall. Not as good as Soul Calibur though.

My mind's been heavy with thoughts and my heart's been heavy with emotions lately. Weird that I'm not heavy in weight though... No? No? Dry. It's not that I'm lonely; I gave up something great to be alone. It's not that I'm sad or unhappy; I have fun doing what I do every day. It's not that I'm feeling empty; I have much to live for, I have goals and all. I think it's more that I can't get something out of my mind. Mayhaps I should listen to some Billy Ocean...

HEY! YOU! YES YOU! GET INTO MY CAR!
Get out of my dreams! Get into my car! Get out of my mind! And into my life!

Ah... I'll say it once more. Where would I be without the 80's...?

goodnight trouble.

Nice.

Productive at last... Not in terms of the usual day-to-day productivity where I'm just doing mindless routine work cleaning, paying bills, and facebooking. No. I turned down some beer and video games to work on my own personal work. This is the first time in a long time, and it felt good.

I forgot how much fun personal work can be... The artistic freedom with no limits. Now that's what I'm talkin 'bout. What is this I'm working on, you ask? A personal pet project for shits and giggles... I was thinking of posting a preview of what I've been working on, but I think that would ruin the fun. Soooo... I'll stop talking about it...

Hair report: Coming up on 3 months now. During these three months, I've gotten a very minor trim before Thanksgiving, and one actual haircut at Lattitudes at the Eaton Centre. Overpaid for the styling, but I needed it, and in the end it looked good. Next haircut/trim will probably be before Christmas.

I was listening to a bit of Phil Collins on the way home. Sussussudio! Sossossogood! A productive day and night, some good music and good sushi for lunch and lots of Indian food for dinner... Goodnight trouble indeed.

my thanks, for all that you do.

I did some major cleaning last night after some shopping to prep for the new roommate — who just moved in today and is soooo awesome. Good pick, Fred Hon, good pick. I packed my summer clothes into the suitcase I bought for LA, and took it into the basement storage. In there, I saw my Christmas tree that I got as a gift last year, around this time. I quickly set it up and put on a Christmas CD to get myself into the Christmas mood. Made me so excited...

After that, I went through my shoebox of cards and letters. These cards and letters I've accumulated from a very young age. I think the oldest letter I still have dates back to 1990, when we first moved out of St-Gabriel-de-Brandon to St-Hubert, just outside of Montreal. I have since started collecting all the cards and letters people have given me. I went through each last night, most of them being birthday or Christmas cards. Some Valentine's Day cards.

Reading each of those cards and letters last night made me realize so much. That even if I wasn't a big deal in your life, I was still thought of. Whether we still keep in touch or not, or whether you even liked me or not, doesn't matter. The fact remains that you affected my life somehow, directly or indirectly. And I thank you all for being in my life. I don't regret meeting anyone of you. Whether you intended to or not, you've changed me life and have helped me become who I am now.

I took the time last night to take photos of some of the cards and letters that I've received and posted them on Facebook. I know I have more. I have yet to finish sorting out my room and find more hidden treasures, so I will post them as I find them. Hope some of you still remember the childhood we shared. Once again, thanks for the memories and for being a part of me. And I'm sorry if I never returned the favour...


Here are only a few of the photos. The rest are on Facebook.

Valentine's Day cards from my classmates in Grade 5, when I first moved to Kingston.


A postcard from Brooklyn, a postcard from LA, a birthday gift wrapping, a Nissan Skyline toy from Brooklyn, and a flyer for Tides Gallery Show.


Scrabble and birthday gift wrapping, a Christmas CD, a birthday card, some post-it notes, and an envelop which held a key.


Two out of four finger puppets for my birthday, and a Valentine's Day card


A dried out red rose from wedding and mini-mousepads with the newly weds's designs on them.

this world is strange, sometimes.

It all began with a simple "Hello."
By chance, by fate, it matters not.
In an ocean of crowds
The strangers did meet.

It requires perfect timing
For the perfect chemistry.
Strangers become friends.
Friends become lovers.

Each other's secrets they did hear.
Each other's soft caresses they did feel.
Each other's sweet kisses they did taste.
Through their memories, immortal their emotions did become.

In the passage of time, old memories may fade,
along with some of the most meaningful moments.
But they will never forget their first memory of each other.
It all began with a simple "Hello."

I've been doing a bit of writing the past few days just to get things out of my chest. I think Karma's been catching up to me. It's been a bit of a roller-coaster of events that's been bringing me up and down and down and up. That aside though, it's been an okay enough day so far. Despite the cold, seeing the snow layering the ground has been fairly soothing and calming.

Walking home from Spadina and Queens Quay after hip hop class, I looked up at the sky and watched the snow come down as Sarah Slean's California came on my iPod. Oddly enough, it felt so fitting... Not so much the lyrics, but more the music itself. On the other hand, all this snow is making me think of Christmas... I'm finding myself missing L.A. and NYC more and more these days. Maybe Toronto's boring me. Who knows...

I got John Legend's album Evolver a couple of weeks ago and I've got to say that I'm really loving it. One song that I'm really into is Everybody Knows. Something about the song itself is a bit different from the usual John Legend and I think that's why I like it so much.

Even better than Evolver is Raphael Saadiq's Sometimes. It's so uplifting. I'm not a heavily religious man myself, but his whole album The Way I See It makes me look at the greater scope of life; think less about my life and more about the world. And the song makes me think of the Temptations, The Jacksons, and all the greatest soul artists.With music these days constantly following mainstream with a slight change, it's really nice to hear something totally different, totally new, in an oldies kind of way. Something about re-inventing the old (when done right) really attracts me.


watch Raphael Saadiq - Sometimes >

love is in the air...

I was honoured this past weekend to be one of the groomsmen of a most beautiful wedding. I was further honoured to do a speech for them. The groom of course made a speech too. A very emotional speech which I think touched everyone in the room.

The reception was fun and eventful, and I was so happy to see my friends get married. The joy in their eyes could not be described in words... Congratulations Richard and Jenna! Thanks so much for the great food and entertainment (and sooo much wine...)!! May your love and happiness last forever! Peace be with you both.

xoxo

Photo courtesy of Andrea Acosta-Duarte

a text down memory lane.

Spent some time typing away this weekend. I was recording all the text messages that I've kept since I got my phone in May of 2007. Lots of hours I'll never get back... I'm only through half of them so far.

Backstory: My stupid phone limits me to 250 text messages in my inbox, and won't save any outgoing texts. I've spent many hours trying to figure out how to save outgoing texts, but to no avail. Sometimes I'd get text messages from people replying to my texts, but then I'd forget what I sent them. Not fun, as I have to waste a text message asking them what it was I texted them about. This past year, I've been a major text fiend; my inbox has been exploding with messages that I've constantly had to delete in order to make room for the new. But I kept about 240 of them for the memories.

Anyway, my plan was to type out all the text messages that I've kept into a word document so that they're still accessible without taking up room in my phone. So that the memories still exist. Like I said, I've only been through half of them so far, but it's been pretty funny looking back. I have a quite a few favourites. They'll remain anonymous, but you know who you are.

"Its okay. Im okay."

"You're a dork..."

"What omg... Kinda hot i wont lie... We'll talk later."

"My stomach is fukked. Holy shit what a day."

"I dreamt we found you a crazy camera for 250.. We were both so bewildered. Then we went to the us border and started to run and jump, eventually the jumps became higher and higher and we eventually flew over the border fence.. It was wicked."

"Cannonball just came on my iPod"

"Wings are wide/ i no longer hide/ my mind is bright and i will fight for a longer sight"

"You have your health, talent labido, but most of all, good friends! Good clothes are new clothes, good friends are old friends. Peace be with you!"

"Yes! Ha ha what you want to know? :-D"

That's are what memories are made of. The best and worst of times. You won't know what's best unless you've had what's worst.

take me back to the start and tell me your secrets.

Since I got back from L.A., I haven't had much time to clean around the apartment. So Sunday and Monday night after work, I had a productive two days of cleaning, and still I'm not done. I put away most of my summer clothes and went through some stuff that's been sitting on my drafting table since I moved here last November...

What did I find? Lots of memories. Photos, gifts, money ($100!! booya!), receipts from restaurants around Toronto, Richmond Hill, New York and Los Angeles, even! Also came across some limited edition postcards from muh boyz Tessar and Chad, some notes and mixed CDs, primitive hangman drawings, a furry mustache. The mustache was quite a find. Had to pack up all my art supplies that have' just been collecting dust, and put them in the basement along with shoeboxes of old memories.

It's funny how these things we attribute so much value to, really have no value at all. They're just everyday objects. Yet, we hold on to them as if our lives depended on it. As if we could change the past by holding on to them, when really we're just stopping ourselves from moving forward, everytime that box gets opened. Nothing but should've could've would've's fill our minds, and we get lost in this madness. Although, I will admit; there's a certain comfort that comes with looking into the past. But when it starts to take over our lives, we have to draw that line and get a handle on ourselves.

Gesso that painted canvas and put down that first brushstroke. Some residue will still show through, but it's what adds character and meaning to life.

On a lighter note, It's been 5 days now since I shaved my face, and 34 days since I shaved my head. I'm growing quite a peasantish teen stache... and lovin it! What the Hell. Life's short, time's limited. Time for a new beginning; I'm going back to the start.

"tell me ur secrets"
"haha, what secrets?"
"when people are drunk they tell secrets"

coldplay - the scientist >

hold your own, know your name.

I think 2008 is a year of personal reflection for a lot of us. It seems as though quite a few people I care for and love are going through some rougher times this year, especially nearing this summer's end. I'm glad I can be there for you as you have for me. Whatever your troubles are, you have to believe and think positively. We'll get through this together. Take care of yourselves first. You deserve it. Thanks for all your support.


Details in the Fabric - Jason Mraz

I wanted to write more. I've been really hooked on this Korean drama series called My Girl that Nataly showed me... But I'm not in as good of a mood as I was when I first started writing the above. So needless to say, I don't really feel like sharing right now.

bowlin bowlin bowlin. keep that strike a comin.

Went out bowling Saturday night after some Kenny's Noodles for my bro's birthday. Except the birthday boy didn't come after dinner.. We were going to see Tropic Thunder, but they were pretty much sold out by the time we got there. We ended up going bowling, which I haven't gone on a regular basis since last fall. And for the first time since then, I wasn't sucking! I almost broke 100!! My first game, I got 100, and my second I got 98. True story.

I know I know. You're probably thinking "100? I can bowl that blindfolded with a broken arm and leg !" But since last summer, I've been bowling shit. It was a celebration if I got over 50... But Saturday night, I was mildly on fire!! Barely triple digits, son!! Oh, and do NOT do a full backswing with a 15 pound ball if your hands aren't big enough to get a firm grip! It can get dangerous, as everyone at the alley witnessed... Also true story.

I saw a friend from high school tonight, who I haven't seen or talked to in 8 years... We caught up on a lot and talked about life and his little ones... Man, do things ever change in 8 years. Nothing. Nothing at all ever prepares us for the new that's to come. We just kind of have to stand up and face it. But facing it is not enough. We also have to embrace it in the present, in the now. Almost true story.

Belief is a beautiful armour
but makes for the heaviest sword
Like punching underwater
you never can hit who you're trying for
Some need the exhibition
and some have to know they tried
It's the chemical weapon
for the war that's raging on inside
Oh, everyone believes
From emptiness to everything
Oh, everyone believes
And no one's going quietly

Belief - John Mayer [Continuum]